Open Letter To: The unidentified flying insect that flew in my ear!!!

Dear unidentified flying insect that flew in my ear,

The question I have for you my flying friend is Why??? Out of all the places to fly you had to be flying along the same sidewalk that I was using during my run this morning. Seriously, how about flying a little higher? Is there a insect law that all flying bugs must adhere to a strict 6' or lower flying height? Well how did that work for you? If I remember right not to well, you have since passed on to the bug after life, either still lodged in my ear, or somewhere along my running route.

I will give you credit though. In your last few moments on this earth, technically 6' above it, you really gave me a scare. My first thoughts as you took your suicidal flight into my inner ear, was that this was no accident. It was a planned attack to end my life. I feared that your mission was to reach my brain and destroy it, much like Luke Sky Walker did to the Death Star in Star Wars. You had me so worked up that I actually stopped and attempted to dig you out with a small stick. It was touch and go for a few moments as I felt you struggle to finish me off and claim yet another hapless runners life. But, is was not to be for you my flying nemesis.

I felt the build up of sweat in my ear start to rumble due to the blockage you created. In a last ditch effort to thwart your assassination attempt, I pried on you with the small stick I found. The liquid immediately started to drain. Looks like this runner is going to live to run again.

In closing, to all the rest of the flying insect world I say, Bring it on Bitches!!! I'm ready for whatever you bring my way. I'll just have to remember to be careful not to yawn while running outdoors. Peace Out!!!

Back to Blog Land Bitches!!!

Fear not people, I have returned to blog land. I know the millions of readers of this blog have missed my creative writing style. A lot has happened since my last post. I am going to update in lazy bullet point fashion. Mind you I don't know how to make a bullet point, so I guess it will just be a list of things that happened over the last few weeks sans bullet points. Let's begin!!!

I was rejected by all of New York, (well,at least the marathon people)

I attended my 20 year high school reunion.

At said reunion, I found out one of my best friend's has a disturbing growth disorder. It seems he has grown a third leg!!!

There were several celebrities among my graduating class, which I also was unaware of: including Sponge Bob Square Pants and Mrs. Doubtfire!!!

My fellow classmates still hold many records at our Alma mater. Don't worry!!! You don't need to ask them they'll let you know, if not their mother's will!!!

Hot Tubs are Fun!!!

Sleeping in a parking lot is probably not as comfortable as you think!!!

Some people never change, and for that I'm forever thankful!!!

After the New York rejection I signed up for the Philly Marathon.

It is officially summer!!!

I continue to run and am proud to say my pants have remained poop free to this point, thanks partly to the Port-O-Let on New College's campus. I couldn't have kept my running shorts clean without you!!!

Somehow I've been able to maintain my current weight and it's certainly not because of my great food choices.

I have added $.27 cents to my loose change tracker!!! Question is... Will I make it to $1.00 by the end of the year???

As you can see it's been a Rememborable few weeks. Speak to you soon!!! Peace Out!!!

Rejection City Baby!!! Also D.O.A. Calls In.

I won't be running in the New York City Marathon this year, and I feel a little like the last kid picked during recess in grade school. With the exception that I was never actually selected, only rejected. Oh well, my time to run the event will come. Probably in 2012, you see N.Y. can only reject me 3 times, then they have to let me run. I wish this 3 time thing worked for sexual advances. I would surely take a couple cold shoulders and a slap or two if I knew it would pay off after three attempts. Anywho... I am currently working on a new plan for a Novemberish Marathon of some sort and have a couple of thoughts, but none to share at this juncture.

As you can see D.O.A. has been running his virtual ass off. He has made it to Atlanta, which come to find out is the capital of Georgia. I'm sure there are many things to do and see in Atlanta, but frankly right know I don't give a shit!!! I do know that it has a large and very busy airport, the Olympics were once held there, Coke is big thing and oh yeah one the biggest stones I ever saw was in Atlanta. I also know D.O.A. is going to love his time in this fine U.S. City.

Not much else to report, but I plan on getting back into bloggy land very soon. Even though my typing, spelling and uses of appropriate englishery isn't very good I enjoy it. Until then, Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: The Cookie and Cream Pop Tart's In My Pantry!!!

Dear Cookie and Cream Pop Tarts In My Pantry,

Pop Tarts we need to talk. I heard you calling my name last night while I was trying to relax in front of the boob tube. And yes, once you even tempted me into the pantry to grab your package, but I resisted the urge. Although before leaving the pantry out of the corner of my eye I discovered a lone Pop Tart laying on the shelf in a zip lock baggie. Probably a left over from my sons breakfast. I looked at the Pop Tarts rectangular body through the baggie and my stomach started to over rule my mind. To me you looked like a fine, yet delicious, piece of art Pop Tart. The way your white creamy inside is framed by the chocolate outer edge is a master piece. And just knowing that creamy filling is made from chemicals that I could never pronounce, let alone spell, makes eating you all the more titillating my beautiful Pop Tart. In the end, I couldn't resists your advances and gave in to temptation. If I only could have been half good and eaten your single brother in the baggie. No, I had to go for a package of my own and a glass of chocolate milk to wash your Pop Tart goodness down. Pop Tart you were worth every empty calorie, or so I thought.

During my easy recovery run this morning it seemed you were still with me my dear Pop Tart. My legs felt weighed down by your chemical make up. The chemicals were also not sitting so well in the stomach area that desired you so much last night. In fact my stomach was on the verge of rejecting you about half way through the run. Luckily we made it back to the house without incident, keeping my soon to be two year record intact.

This is hard to say Pop Tart, but I think the thing we had is over. Let's call it one night of pleasure that at least I'll never forget. The minutes of gratification was not worth the pain that I dealt with the next morning. So, I guess it's goodbye sweet Pop Tart. On second thought, maybe it was the frickin chocolate milk's fault. Peace Out!!!

(D.O.A.) Unofficial Definition of "Humidity"!!!

Before I give my definition of Humidity, I would like to say that many of the words printed below may not be found in the Dictionary and the definition I give for Humidity is based clearly on my observations while running. My last name is not Webster for Fuck Sake!!!

Humidity is a word that can best be defined by breaking down the 8 letters that make it up. Let's have a looksy, shall we???

H: The H stands for heat. I think just everybody has probably heard the phrase, " It's not the heat it's the humidity". Well I'm here to tell you that is a bunch of bullshit. It's not the humidity at all. It's the hotness of the heat.

U: The U stands for unfuckinbearable. Example: The hotness of this heat is unfuckinbearable.

M: The M stands for mother-unfuckinbearable. Mother-unfuckinbearable is the point during the run when your brain tells your body to stop running or bad things will start to happen such as cramping, dehydration, death or worse of all loss of all bodily functions. Yes, I consider losing control of my bodily functions worse than death.

I: The I stands for irate. Irate is how most become during a humid run, it's also a way to judge how hot it is during your run. Example: Irate the heat during today's run a 9 out of 10 for hotness.

D: D stands for death. Although not many people actually die due to running in the humidity. You probably have a better chance dying if say you marry Drew Peterson, or something along those lines.

I: The second stands for is. As in "is" this very humid run, and this stupid definition blog almost over.

T: The T is for temperature. FYI, the temperature for humidity is right between boiling and hell in most of the sources I checked.

Y: Last, but not least the Y. Y is for you. You made it to the end of this blog and also finished another mother-unfuckinbearable run. Congratulations, and here's to more rememorable runs to come. Peace Out!!!

I've got "Georgia On My (virtual) Mind"!!!

Virtual D.O.A will be calling in tomorrow from Albany, Georgia. I know it's amazing how I can predict a day ahead of time where a figment of my imagination will be calling from. Lets just say I got mad skills!!! Albany, Georgia is called the "Good Life City", it's also is the "Pecan Capital of The World" and the birthplace of Ray Charles. Sounds like Albany may have a small identity crisis and can't decide which of the three facts above to go by. I say why choose Albany? Come up with as many tag lines as possible. How about "Hey New York our Albany can kick your Albany's Ass", or "He Can, She Can, Pecan!!! In Albany". Oh well, maybe not the greatest of tag lines, but you get the point Albany. Albany actually does look like a great place to visit and if your ever in the area you may want to check it out. (www.albanygeorgia.biz)

In other news, I am very happy with my over all mileage for the month of April (124). The last couple of weeks I have been stuck at 226 pounds. I attribute that to my ever present urge to fill my pie hole with whatever food I come in contact with, and a lack of any kind of discipline on my part. The weight battle will continue. I also have added some coinage to my loose change tracker. In fact, I tripled my total during one of my long runs. I was able to come across a penny and a dime along a new route that I tried over the weekend. I plan on adding this path to my daily routine and hope it bears more riches in the weeks to come. Before long I'll be able to buy myself a coffee, or at the very least a pack of gum. Peace Out!!!

6 Friggen 21!!!

I was order by my trainer to run 1 mile at 100% during my training run this weekend. I took that to mean that the night before said training, I should stay out until 2 in the morning playing cards and drinking (1 and half bottles of Vodka and countless shots of Yagermeister to be exact). Then attempt the run. Well, needless to say Saturday morning came all to fast and I awoke in Headache Hangover Hell Land surrounded by two wide awake children. For the next few hours I attempted to hydrate and escape from Hangover land, unfortunately to no avail.

About noon I finally decided that my current state was not going to improve, so I laced on the Pearl's and headed out the door. Upon my first steps outside I noticed that summer had decided to come early. I am sure this was punishment from the running gods for last nights behavior. Obviously the running gods don't know me very well. It will take a lot more then sizzling heat and a migraine to stop me from a training run. Maybe the gods don't realize that I'm a married man with children for crying out loud!!!

I warned up for 10 minutes. Every single foot strike with the pavement could be felt all the way to the spot where the little jack hammers were running inside my head. Finally, it was time for the 100% mile. I took of in a flash and could instantly feel my breathing and heart rate quicken, along with those annoying little jack hammers. I started to feel the need to slow the pace about three quarters into the run, but ignored the urge. I was starting to feel the effects of my poor hydration and could feel the taste of my blood as I gasped for air during the last quarter of a mile. The last eighth of a mile seemed like it would never end, but thankfully the familiar sound of my Garmim watch sounded the end of my misery.

Results, 6:21!!! Could it have been better? Time will tell!!! Peace Out!!!