God Called, I Never Answered!

 

Let’s go on another adventure into the future and visit a young JB at 9 years old. The setting is Oneco Elementary 4^th grade classroom. My teacher this year was Mrs. Allran. I would describe her as an older lady, I’m guessing at the time late 60’s. She also was permanently in a wheelchair, so maybe Allroll would have been a better last name. I kid!!!  I would describe myself at this time as a shy chubby kid that for the most part kept to myself and was very polite to my elders, especially those with authority. I’m sure if you asked my mother, she would describe me in another light. My guess is annoying oldest kid “allegedly” whose first language is spewing sarcasm. Once again, only a guess.

 

Any who, Mrs. Allran took a liking to me early on in 4^th grade and dare I say I was her favoritous kid ever. I know that’s not a word, but it should be!!! Just about every week I would be chosen as citizen of the week, much the chagrin of all the other poor 4^th grade fucks in my class. It got to the point that she would tell me and my mother that I was special and was destined for great things. She would even go as far as telling me that God would be calling on me because I was his miracle. At first, I just thought Mrs. Allran was going senile and thought I was Jesus and not Jason. I mean both names have 5 letters starting with a J and have Ss in them. Easy mistake to make right? Regardless, it was a bit uncomfortable being the chosen one and all, but I kind of dug it. Until it finally it was made perfectly clear that my dear teacher’s goal for me was that of a higher calling. That’s right folks, she thought that I was destined to be at least priest, maybe a cardinal, or hell maybe even Pope JB!!! HOLY SHIT!!! This realization brought me off my cloud quickly and back to normal 4^th grader JB really quick. Seriously, I haven’t even seen a live female breast yet. How can I think about being a man of the cloth.

 

Mrs. Allran was not aware of my dark side. At the ripe age of 7 I was already sticking the leftover toothpicks from the samples at Grand Union in loaves of bread. That had to ruin some family’s pasta night. Not exactly how God would dispose of his toothpick. But you know, Thug Life Bitches!!! Also, if Mrs. Allran knew in a few more years I’d be driving my drunk dad around town her, and God would probably frown upon this for sure. You know what, Pops needs to get to work and young JB gonna make it happen God. You know what I sayin???

 

As you can see, a split in the path was given to young JB and he had a choice. Path to the right, maybe someday Popedom and ultimately Heaven. Path to the left, sarcasm, gaslighting, worry, anxiousness, fear and maybe a few boobies. Mrs. Allran for me it was a tough choice, let god know JB Ain’t Home!!!

 

Love you Peeps!!!!

 

Virtual D.O.A. R.I.P!!!

When I first came up with this idea to have a virtual runner I thought it would be a cool way to show how far I'm actually running on a monthly basis. Give it some sort of point of reference, if you will. "Wow!!! D.O.A. is in Kentucky!!! Holy shit that's far!!!" I also had planned on running the Philly marathon and knew that the mileage would work out that my "Virtual Self" would basically be at the same place as my real self at that point in time. How freaky is that??? I had a whole run a marathon with my virtual partner blog planned that would have gotten tons of laughs and possibly a "Bloggy", if there is such a thing as a "Bloggy". Picture an Emmy for bloggers.

Unfortunately, the planned story will never happen. Virtual D.O.A. never called at the beginning of November like he has for the past 10 months. Fearing the worst I called his cell phone, but he never answered. I tried every day this month and finally today someone answered. He said his name was Dr. Hunt and he had been treating D.O.A. for the past few days. Dr. Hunt noticed D.O.A. hanging around the hospital for several weeks and noticed that he was not feeling well. Sadly, D.O.A. was not able to afford health insurance, mainly because he had no job and all he ever did was run from town to town. Being "virtual" also didn't help with his lack of insurance. Anywho... this weekend it turns out that Dr. Hunt got to know D.O.A. and they became friends. Dr. Hunt attempted to treat D.O.A., but the illness was too far along and D.O.A. passed away yesterday.

I started to tell Dr. Hunt about how I planned to run the Philly marathon with D.O.A. and what a great blog report I was going to do about the whole experience when I returned home. Dr. hunt mentioned before D.O.A.'s passing how excited he was about the upcoming race and how he needed to get better. Ironically, Dr. Hunt is from the Philly area and was planning on running the marathon also. It turns out that we both run about the same pace and the good doctor agreed to run with me in honor of Virtual D.O.A. The only thing he asked in return is that I drop the doctor and just call him Mike.

Well let me tell you. Mike Hunt and I will pumping and pounding up in down the streets of Philly come November 22nd. Neither myself, nor Mike Hunt will give up until we give it everything we got and both finish. This Mike Hunt and my promise to our wonderful fake friend Virtual D.O.A. R.I.P!!! Peace Out!!!

While Virtual DOA is Horsin' Around the Real McCoy is all Business!!!

Virtual DOA has made it to Lexington, Kentucky and as you can probably figure out from the title horses are all the rage in this neck of the woods. After all Lexington is known as both the "Thoroughbred City" as well as the "Horse Capital of the World". Need more proof that Lexington is Ga Ga for Horsies??? Take a quick trip to the Visitor's Bureau web site and you can read about a silly blue horse that people have supposedly seen in Lexington. To make a long story short some horse ate the bluegrass that is famous in this area and magically turned blue. Awe inspiring huh!!! Ironically the horse's name is Big Lex, Talk about creative!!! On this web site you can also report "Big Lex sightings" and play a scavenger hunt game. I only hope for the folks of Lexington sake, that the Where's Waldo people never hear about this. I smell a law suit!!!!

Anywho peeps... Numbers for the month of August. Ran 154 miles. Burned 22,668 calories, (unfortunately I think I consumed 100,000 calories) Loose Change is up to .99 cents. My legs are feeling a bit sore from the training and I seem to have some type of small pain developing in the Achilles area. I'm hoping it's just sore muscle and not the beginning of my legs finally failing from the fatally obese body it's been carrying around for the past two years. Regardless, come November I plan on making Philly my BITCH!!! Peace Out!!!

AS IF ANYONE CARES!!!

Virtual D.O.A. is now in Knoxville, Tennessee. Of the many facts I found about Knoxville, and interested me the most was that it was once known as the "Underwear Capital of the World", which in my opinion had to be quite the honor. Oh yeah there's also a big University there, but I can't remember the name of it. I Know it University of Something though. The mascot of the University is a Volunteer which is ironic because it's rumoured that to this day there has never been a fire in all of Knoxville since 1779. The University also has a very popular women's basketball team and coach. They say that guy is really something!!!

If you are reading this, and I know that your not, thanks for your time and good day!!! Peace Out!!!

Virtual (D.O.A.), Checks In "Choo!!!! Choo!!!

Another month has swiftly passed by and Virtual D.O.A. has continued on his imaginary journey north. He has left the city of Coke a Cola, better known as Atlanta, and has traveled to the land made famous by a song about a fricken Choo Choo. For all of you out of the know, that would be Chattanooga, Tn.

I know very little about Chattanooga, besides the train thing. It's the fourth largest city in Tennessee, and also I think there's a saying in Tennessee, or maybe it's Texas!!! If you would like some actual information on Chattanooga, I suggest you google it. Seriously, what do I look like the Visitor and Information Center of the great City of Chattanooga???

In closing, June was another wonderful running month. I managed to run 110 miles, find some loose change, survive near death experiences from both heat exhaustion and errant flying insects, and most importantly made it another month without a shitting incident. Let's see what kind of fireworks July has in store!!! Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: The unidentified flying insect that flew in my ear!!!

Dear unidentified flying insect that flew in my ear,

The question I have for you my flying friend is Why??? Out of all the places to fly you had to be flying along the same sidewalk that I was using during my run this morning. Seriously, how about flying a little higher? Is there a insect law that all flying bugs must adhere to a strict 6' or lower flying height? Well how did that work for you? If I remember right not to well, you have since passed on to the bug after life, either still lodged in my ear, or somewhere along my running route.

I will give you credit though. In your last few moments on this earth, technically 6' above it, you really gave me a scare. My first thoughts as you took your suicidal flight into my inner ear, was that this was no accident. It was a planned attack to end my life. I feared that your mission was to reach my brain and destroy it, much like Luke Sky Walker did to the Death Star in Star Wars. You had me so worked up that I actually stopped and attempted to dig you out with a small stick. It was touch and go for a few moments as I felt you struggle to finish me off and claim yet another hapless runners life. But, is was not to be for you my flying nemesis.

I felt the build up of sweat in my ear start to rumble due to the blockage you created. In a last ditch effort to thwart your assassination attempt, I pried on you with the small stick I found. The liquid immediately started to drain. Looks like this runner is going to live to run again.

In closing, to all the rest of the flying insect world I say, Bring it on Bitches!!! I'm ready for whatever you bring my way. I'll just have to remember to be careful not to yawn while running outdoors. Peace Out!!!

Back to Blog Land Bitches!!!

Fear not people, I have returned to blog land. I know the millions of readers of this blog have missed my creative writing style. A lot has happened since my last post. I am going to update in lazy bullet point fashion. Mind you I don't know how to make a bullet point, so I guess it will just be a list of things that happened over the last few weeks sans bullet points. Let's begin!!!

I was rejected by all of New York, (well,at least the marathon people)

I attended my 20 year high school reunion.

At said reunion, I found out one of my best friend's has a disturbing growth disorder. It seems he has grown a third leg!!!

There were several celebrities among my graduating class, which I also was unaware of: including Sponge Bob Square Pants and Mrs. Doubtfire!!!

My fellow classmates still hold many records at our Alma mater. Don't worry!!! You don't need to ask them they'll let you know, if not their mother's will!!!

Hot Tubs are Fun!!!

Sleeping in a parking lot is probably not as comfortable as you think!!!

Some people never change, and for that I'm forever thankful!!!

After the New York rejection I signed up for the Philly Marathon.

It is officially summer!!!

I continue to run and am proud to say my pants have remained poop free to this point, thanks partly to the Port-O-Let on New College's campus. I couldn't have kept my running shorts clean without you!!!

Somehow I've been able to maintain my current weight and it's certainly not because of my great food choices.

I have added $.27 cents to my loose change tracker!!! Question is... Will I make it to $1.00 by the end of the year???

As you can see it's been a Rememborable few weeks. Speak to you soon!!! Peace Out!!!

Rejection City Baby!!! Also D.O.A. Calls In.

I won't be running in the New York City Marathon this year, and I feel a little like the last kid picked during recess in grade school. With the exception that I was never actually selected, only rejected. Oh well, my time to run the event will come. Probably in 2012, you see N.Y. can only reject me 3 times, then they have to let me run. I wish this 3 time thing worked for sexual advances. I would surely take a couple cold shoulders and a slap or two if I knew it would pay off after three attempts. Anywho... I am currently working on a new plan for a Novemberish Marathon of some sort and have a couple of thoughts, but none to share at this juncture.

As you can see D.O.A. has been running his virtual ass off. He has made it to Atlanta, which come to find out is the capital of Georgia. I'm sure there are many things to do and see in Atlanta, but frankly right know I don't give a shit!!! I do know that it has a large and very busy airport, the Olympics were once held there, Coke is big thing and oh yeah one the biggest stones I ever saw was in Atlanta. I also know D.O.A. is going to love his time in this fine U.S. City.

Not much else to report, but I plan on getting back into bloggy land very soon. Even though my typing, spelling and uses of appropriate englishery isn't very good I enjoy it. Until then, Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: The Cookie and Cream Pop Tart's In My Pantry!!!

Dear Cookie and Cream Pop Tarts In My Pantry,

Pop Tarts we need to talk. I heard you calling my name last night while I was trying to relax in front of the boob tube. And yes, once you even tempted me into the pantry to grab your package, but I resisted the urge. Although before leaving the pantry out of the corner of my eye I discovered a lone Pop Tart laying on the shelf in a zip lock baggie. Probably a left over from my sons breakfast. I looked at the Pop Tarts rectangular body through the baggie and my stomach started to over rule my mind. To me you looked like a fine, yet delicious, piece of art Pop Tart. The way your white creamy inside is framed by the chocolate outer edge is a master piece. And just knowing that creamy filling is made from chemicals that I could never pronounce, let alone spell, makes eating you all the more titillating my beautiful Pop Tart. In the end, I couldn't resists your advances and gave in to temptation. If I only could have been half good and eaten your single brother in the baggie. No, I had to go for a package of my own and a glass of chocolate milk to wash your Pop Tart goodness down. Pop Tart you were worth every empty calorie, or so I thought.

During my easy recovery run this morning it seemed you were still with me my dear Pop Tart. My legs felt weighed down by your chemical make up. The chemicals were also not sitting so well in the stomach area that desired you so much last night. In fact my stomach was on the verge of rejecting you about half way through the run. Luckily we made it back to the house without incident, keeping my soon to be two year record intact.

This is hard to say Pop Tart, but I think the thing we had is over. Let's call it one night of pleasure that at least I'll never forget. The minutes of gratification was not worth the pain that I dealt with the next morning. So, I guess it's goodbye sweet Pop Tart. On second thought, maybe it was the frickin chocolate milk's fault. Peace Out!!!

(D.O.A.) Unofficial Definition of "Humidity"!!!

Before I give my definition of Humidity, I would like to say that many of the words printed below may not be found in the Dictionary and the definition I give for Humidity is based clearly on my observations while running. My last name is not Webster for Fuck Sake!!!

Humidity is a word that can best be defined by breaking down the 8 letters that make it up. Let's have a looksy, shall we???

H: The H stands for heat. I think just everybody has probably heard the phrase, " It's not the heat it's the humidity". Well I'm here to tell you that is a bunch of bullshit. It's not the humidity at all. It's the hotness of the heat.

U: The U stands for unfuckinbearable. Example: The hotness of this heat is unfuckinbearable.

M: The M stands for mother-unfuckinbearable. Mother-unfuckinbearable is the point during the run when your brain tells your body to stop running or bad things will start to happen such as cramping, dehydration, death or worse of all loss of all bodily functions. Yes, I consider losing control of my bodily functions worse than death.

I: The I stands for irate. Irate is how most become during a humid run, it's also a way to judge how hot it is during your run. Example: Irate the heat during today's run a 9 out of 10 for hotness.

D: D stands for death. Although not many people actually die due to running in the humidity. You probably have a better chance dying if say you marry Drew Peterson, or something along those lines.

I: The second stands for is. As in "is" this very humid run, and this stupid definition blog almost over.

T: The T is for temperature. FYI, the temperature for humidity is right between boiling and hell in most of the sources I checked.

Y: Last, but not least the Y. Y is for you. You made it to the end of this blog and also finished another mother-unfuckinbearable run. Congratulations, and here's to more rememorable runs to come. Peace Out!!!

I've got "Georgia On My (virtual) Mind"!!!

Virtual D.O.A will be calling in tomorrow from Albany, Georgia. I know it's amazing how I can predict a day ahead of time where a figment of my imagination will be calling from. Lets just say I got mad skills!!! Albany, Georgia is called the "Good Life City", it's also is the "Pecan Capital of The World" and the birthplace of Ray Charles. Sounds like Albany may have a small identity crisis and can't decide which of the three facts above to go by. I say why choose Albany? Come up with as many tag lines as possible. How about "Hey New York our Albany can kick your Albany's Ass", or "He Can, She Can, Pecan!!! In Albany". Oh well, maybe not the greatest of tag lines, but you get the point Albany. Albany actually does look like a great place to visit and if your ever in the area you may want to check it out. (www.albanygeorgia.biz)

In other news, I am very happy with my over all mileage for the month of April (124). The last couple of weeks I have been stuck at 226 pounds. I attribute that to my ever present urge to fill my pie hole with whatever food I come in contact with, and a lack of any kind of discipline on my part. The weight battle will continue. I also have added some coinage to my loose change tracker. In fact, I tripled my total during one of my long runs. I was able to come across a penny and a dime along a new route that I tried over the weekend. I plan on adding this path to my daily routine and hope it bears more riches in the weeks to come. Before long I'll be able to buy myself a coffee, or at the very least a pack of gum. Peace Out!!!

6 Friggen 21!!!

I was order by my trainer to run 1 mile at 100% during my training run this weekend. I took that to mean that the night before said training, I should stay out until 2 in the morning playing cards and drinking (1 and half bottles of Vodka and countless shots of Yagermeister to be exact). Then attempt the run. Well, needless to say Saturday morning came all to fast and I awoke in Headache Hangover Hell Land surrounded by two wide awake children. For the next few hours I attempted to hydrate and escape from Hangover land, unfortunately to no avail.

About noon I finally decided that my current state was not going to improve, so I laced on the Pearl's and headed out the door. Upon my first steps outside I noticed that summer had decided to come early. I am sure this was punishment from the running gods for last nights behavior. Obviously the running gods don't know me very well. It will take a lot more then sizzling heat and a migraine to stop me from a training run. Maybe the gods don't realize that I'm a married man with children for crying out loud!!!

I warned up for 10 minutes. Every single foot strike with the pavement could be felt all the way to the spot where the little jack hammers were running inside my head. Finally, it was time for the 100% mile. I took of in a flash and could instantly feel my breathing and heart rate quicken, along with those annoying little jack hammers. I started to feel the need to slow the pace about three quarters into the run, but ignored the urge. I was starting to feel the effects of my poor hydration and could feel the taste of my blood as I gasped for air during the last quarter of a mile. The last eighth of a mile seemed like it would never end, but thankfully the familiar sound of my Garmim watch sounded the end of my misery.

Results, 6:21!!! Could it have been better? Time will tell!!! Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: My Trainer!!!

Dear Richard, (this is my trainer's name, really!!!)

I hope this letter finds you well. Let me start by saying that I appreciate all you have done for my running in the last several months. Last night during my scheduled interval training of ten 1/8 miles with one minute of rest in between each, followed by 2 miles at 8:10 minute pace, and finally finishing with yet another ten 1/8 miles, I came to the realization that you may be trying to do great harm to me. Seriously, I'm not a teenager anymore!!! And since you're my trainer I think you know that my present weight is a feather like 226 pounds. Do you realize that with every stride I'm impacting the road and sidewalk at eight times that amount? That's 1800 pounds of force each time my feet hit whatever happens to be unfortunately underneath them. It's hard to believe that I'm not leaving a path of destruction behind me as I run. Picture the love child of King Kong and Godzilla going for a run in your neighborhood. Trust me, I know what your thinking, I definitely have the body hair for it.

I guess the big question is why do you dislike me Richard? Is it because I lovingly made fun of your Brazilian accent? Or, was it the time I blogged about how you use the word "warn", instead of warm? I honestly get a kick out of warning up for 10 minutes before each training run. Maybe the jokes on me!!! Do you literally mean I should do a 10 minute warning, just to let others know that my fat ass is going to be training in their vicinity? If so, that's just mean Richard!!! If your plan is to have me run until I drown in my own sweat, then you might be on to something. Last night not only did I almost drown in that fashion, I also reached my puke threshold during several portions of the run. Upon returning to the house it took an extra long time to recover from my training. But, today is a new day and I'm feeling refreshed and ready for whatever challenge you throw at me next.

In closing, I may be Kingzilla, or even Godkong like, but I'm not a quitter. So, if your goal as a trainer is to get me to push my self to the top, kind of like slowly climbing a large building. I am up to the task. I know there will be struggles along the way, sort of like bi-planes*** shooting at me as I reach the peak of the large building I'm climbing. I say fire on you damn planes I'm in this bitch for the long haul. Consider this letter my 10 minute warning!!! Peace Out!!!

*** Biplane: is a fixed-wing aircraft wit two main wings. Not a plane that likes both girl and boy airplanes. I know there is some confusion on this with at least one of my readers.

Why Do I Run???

Seriously, Why Do I Run?

i run: to keep sane.
i run: to stay morbidly obese, instead of morbidly fatally obese.
i run: because my doctor thinks I'm fat.
i run: to challenge myself.
i run: to get back to my own toilet, gross but true some mornings.
i run: to get away from my family. this is not a joke.
i run: because I love the feeling of competitiveness. even if it's only with myself.
i run: It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.
i run: because I secretly have a running store fetish.
i run: because it helps me think and solve problems of everyday life.
i run: to become faster.
i run: to reach future goals.
i run: to see how far I can push myself.
i run: to be happy.
i run: to inspire other people.
i run: because when I go for a run, I'm in control and no one can take that away from me.
i run: because after my wife and children, it's something I truly love. Peace Out!!!

FYI: Thursday I went over the 2000 mile mark. Not bad for less than 2 years of running.

The April Fool Checks In and Other News!!!

As you can probably see Virtual D.O.A. has called with his current destination. He also told me that he was turning over a new leaf and will no longer be stopping at college campuses to party with the student body. Well how Convenient since his current resting stop is where a majority of the southern colleges celebrate their spring breaks this week. I asked D.O.A. about this, and he swears he only decided to stop at this location for the upcoming Shrimp and Oyster Festival: on Friday, April 10 thru April 12, and knew nothing about any spring break stuff. He also wanted to let me know that Panama City Beach is known as "The Beach lovers Beach", and is best known from its sugar-white sand beaches and clear, emerald waters of the Gulf of Mexico and St. Andrews bay. For more information he suggested http://visitpanamacitybeach.com. Me thinks my virtual buddy may be moonlighting while out of town. The last thing he told me is that this area reminded him of Sarasota and he was starting to get a little homesick, but he had to let me go because the wet t-shirt contest was starting.

In other news, I was able to get back to my losing ways on the scales. Last week I shook the world with an earth shattering 1 pound drop in weight. I was unable to find any loose change last week, but did manage to get my running mileage back over 100 miles last month. My kids both celebrated a birthday over the weekend and last night I became an uncle again. Congratulations to my brother and sister in law, and welcome baby Langdon to the world. I looked up the meaning of Langdon, and it means "long hill slope". Ironic, since that's probably what little Langdon will be facing as he grows up in these messed up times, along with all the rest of our children.

Lastly, I learned that by plane it takes approximately a week to get from France to Sarasota. I also mistakenly forwarded an email that was hurtful to my wife. Short story long I, being the passive aggressor that I am, tried making a joke about picking up a foul mouthed call girl while in Vegas only to find out that it was actually my loving wife. Being the simpleton that I am, I didn't put it together that the people that were on the forwarded email would think I was comparing my wife to hooker. I was trying to describe, and as they all know, my wife's language as a bit "Sailor Like" and was no way trying to suggest she was a lady of the night. I only hope there is some way she will accept my apology for my horrible mistake. You know deep down that I love you for who you are you "yuck mouth ho"!!! Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: My Children!!!

Dear Kids (mainly the two I claim),

That's right Jake and Bryce that would be you!!! Tomorrow is the big day. We will celebrate both of your birthdays this weekend. Why both of you get all the praise, or any other person for that matter on their birthday is still something I may never understand. Your mother did all the work, trust me I was there. But, who am I to change tradition. On your special day I wanted to leave both of you some words.

Jake, my Hot Wheels Wii partner, what can I say: Don't let anyone ever take away your creative ability to take ordinary things in our lives and turn them into your fantasies. Your creativity amazes me. You can literally turn anything you see in our house into a race track for your hot wheels. I also am blown away by how artistic you are. I have never seen anybody that can draw and color like you do.

Bryce, my ballerina: 4 years old and you are already able to speak your mind. You want to be self efficient and in charge, where you get this from I'll never know. Sometimes in order to be heard I think you may stretch the truth a little. But, I understand that's just your way of being creative and also comes with your age. I think I'll just let that issue Lie, know what I'm saying. Despite what you say, your a beautiful girl and I love you very much.

Neither of you are without faults. Just to name a few, sucking thumbs, picking scabs, messing the entire house up in seconds, leaving food rappers and drink cartons on the floor, peeing the bed, pooping a small car out once a week, not eating healthy food, listening to parents, telling on each other, and various other fights and squabbles.

In closing, I wish you both a very happy birthday. I hope someday you both realize how lucky you are to have each other as brother and sister and share this special day. Peace Out!!!

Week Of Gains!!!

I believe the title of this post says it all. First let me start with the positive gains. Friday night I ran a good race and set a PR (23.22) that will be challenging to break in future 5K's. The course at Robinson Preserve was scenic to say the least. The surface itself consisted of asphalt, shell, boardwalks and plain old dirt. My only bitch was the gale force winds that seemed to always be directly in my face no matter which way I seemed to run. It was pretty warm also, but I think these issues were out the control of the race organizers. There was also a dinner that came free of charge for the race participants, including free beer for the 21 and over crowd. I will definitely be running this event next year. Hell, I'll probably win it!!! The winning time was only 16:05. Cutting off 7:15 should be a breeze.

During my 4 mile run on Sunday, I happened upon 3 errant pennies. That's right, during one run I was able to increase my loose change by 2.5 times the original amount. I am proud to report the new total now stands at five cents. We moved from cooper to silver and it's only been 3 weeks. It's only a matter of time before I'll actually be able to afford that trophy wife. Who am I kidding, at this rate it's going to take years for me even to coax a crack whore.

Lastly, speaking of crack whores, Bertha has spoken. Actually winced in pain while I stepped on top of her Monday morning. Thanks be to the all mighty that Bertha is just a scale and not an actual living thing. My extra fatal obesity surely would have killed anything unlucky enough to find its way beneath me on that particular morning. Go ahead and smile pregnant women of the world, (you know who you are), Jason has gained back 4.5 pounds. I have no other way to take this weight gain, but as a learning experience. Instead of lowering the amount of carbs I was eating slowly, I tried pretty much eliminating them all together. While the first week it seemed to work, 6 pound drop, by the second week of that game plan I was left with no energy and miserable. I also only dropped 1 pound the second week. Last week I put the carbs back in and I'm pleased to say I am now a fatter, yet happier Jason. All together in the last 3 weeks I've still lost 3 pounds, which is probably the better way to drop poundage. One week=One pound. Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: Bradentuckian's!!!

Dear Bradentuckian's,

Tomorrow between 6:30 and 7:00 in the P.M. you may hear a sound similar to the launching of the space shuttle. You may also see a flame trail following a very fast moving object. Again, like the friggin space shuttle. Fret not simpletons, what you are actually experiencing is much closer than Cape Canaveral. In fact, it's happening right here in your, (weed infested, car on blocks, trailer trash) back yards. Don't jump to conclusions Bradentuckian's. Air Force One is not landing at the Bradentucky/Sarasnoba International Airport with Barack, Michelle and children in tow. It's wayyyy bigger than that!!! That's right!!! It's ME!!! I'll be gracing the fine town for a 5K tomorrow evening at the beautiful Robinson Preserve.

This will be my second race of 2009. I haven't blogged about it because I signed up last minute and also 3.1 miles is not my favorite of distances. I have only ran one other 5K, and that was last year. I can't even remember the time it took to travel the distance. So, at least I'll set a PR during tomorrows race. I looking forward to see if I have gained any speed in the few weeks following the Sarasota Marathon. I have been mostly concentrating on speed work during my training. If I had to guess on a finish time, I would go with 22 minutes and 30 seconds. In fact, anything faster I would consider awesome. This week I have changed my diet, once again, and feel like I have had more energy during my training runs. I have also noticed that the stomach issues I had in the past are also starting to return. Which makes me wonder if 2009 is the year that I finally shit myself ??? I only bring this up in this open letter Bradentuckian's, because I hear it's quite common and perfectly acceptable in this community. I mean let's face it, Sarasota has been shitting on you for years.

In closing, I hope to see as many of the fine folks of the B-town out at the Preserve tomorrow night for the race. Friday is payday so, gas up those four wheelers and riding lawn mowers and come on down to the race. I hear it's all the Old Milwaukee you can drink after the race. Just kidding!!! It's actually Pabst Blue Ribbon!!! Peace Out!!!

Bertha is a Bitter Whore!!!

I knew when I decided to give the family scale a female name that it would eventually come back to bite my ass. I just didn't realize it would be as soon as the second week of my attempt to lose some of my additional Assage. After a sizzling first week loss of an incredible 6 pounds of flab, this week I managed a whopping whole pound.

The worst part about the weight loss this week is that actually felt zapped of all energy during my training runs. I am actually trying to work on gaining some speed for upcoming races, so I think something is going to have to give. I guess the question is, do I want the body and face of Brad Pitt? Or, can I live with just having his face and say screw the body. Besides having a handsome face and good personality has gotten me this far. Fuck It!!! Fast food here I come!!!

In other news, you can probably see along with my inability to lose weight that I also was a failure in finding any lost monies this week. It wasn't because I wasn't looking. Trust me I have been scanning the roads with laser like concentration. I think, as usual, I'm a little late in the game as far as loose coins go. The way things are right now I think people are clutching their pennies with death grips, knowing that every little bit counts. Peace Out!!!

Hey Brother Can You Spare A Nickel, Or Is It A Dime???

Due to the recent economy woes I have decide to keep track of the money I pick up while on my training runs. I only wish I would have started picking up abandoned coins when I first started running. Of course, when I first started running it took all the energy I had just to keep going. I doubt that I would have been able to exert any energy to bend over and tie my shoes, let alone pick up coinage. When I finally became fit enough to accomplish this feat admittedly I became too vane to slow down for such a thing. You see, that would slow down my training and even worst effect my overall pace per mile. Seriously, how am I going to become an elite runner if I slow down every time I come along a penny on my path? What an egotistical Dick I have become!!!

Well, no longer my friends. I now will stop for loose change that appears along my routes. I no longer will worry about my ever precious pace. I think Benjamin Franklin, or maybe it was Donald Trump that said it best, "A penny earned is a penny that someone had to bend over and pick up off the ground". Unfortunately, a lot of my training runs happen early mornings which makes it hard to find lost money. But, I will continue to look. I started tracking the loose change last Saturday during my long run, and as you can see I'm already up to a mind boggling 2 cents. Just to let you know during that run I passed a dime. I did try to turn around and find the dime, but was unsuccessful. Unfortunate, I know!!! That would have made my weekend run 6 times more successful. Maybe this weekend I'll hit the mother load. Peace Out!!!

Tuesday: 6.05 miles

Thursday: 5 miles