My Flaw of Atrraction!!!

I was having a hard time sleeping last night due to a sudden coughing attack. Frickin Flu!!! Anywho, since I couldn't sleep I cracked open a book my (very spiritual) wife is re-reading "The Law Of Attraction" and started to read it. I only read a few pages, but this morning during my quiet time I decided to shut the lights in my office and try to meditate for a few minutes, just like good ole Esther does in the book.

Lights are off and I am starting to feel a calm come over my body. I am starting to feel somehow taller and thinner than I actually am. As I type these words it's almost as someone has entered my body and took complete control of my bodily functions. I am typing at break neck speed and know for a fact that another person has taken over my functions. I am now just a vessel.

Spirit: Well hello Jason, do not be afraid, I am Abraham the spirit you have channeled from another dimension, or where ever you think spirits come from.
Me: Abraham? Your the same dude that comes to Esther in the book I was reading last night.
Abraham: Oh silly Jason!!! Abraham happens to be a popular name among spirits, but I assure you we are not same guy.
Me: Can I ask you questions like Esther does to her Abraham?
Abraham: Shoot!!!
Me: Will I ever actually get a trophy wife?
Abraham: Lose a few pounds, dress a little better, become more popular, shave your back and win the lottery and I believe you will achieve. This is the path for anything you want in life, so please don't bore me with a million questions.
Me: Gosh, that doesn't sound like the advice that Esther's advisor gave her.
Abraham: I told you we are not the same dude.
Me: Any life lessons you can give me during these rough economic times?
Abraham: Remember there is always somebody worse off than you. I remember in my days we had slavery, which I was very much against, the way one man could treat another was "In Sane in the Membrane", if you know what I'm sayin. Well, I was willing to divide this country in half to stop this problem. Oh Yeah, if you want to save on paper you can use the back of used envelopes to jot down notes and stuff. Believe me it's a real life saver. Lastly, if you take your wife to the theater remember to wear clean underwear's. You never know who's going to end up seeing those things.
Me: Thanks Abraham. Sounds like you lived in some trying times. I hope you will advise me again in the near future.
Abraham: Don't worry kid I'm always around you, in spirit of course. I got to get going. I love to watch the sun come up over that Phallic symbol of Washington and reflect in the concrete pond in front of my place in the morning hours. What a warped sense of humour we Americans have.
One last thought for you Jason.
Me: What's that?
Abraham: Peace Out!!!

Tue: 5 miles 46 minutes 887 calories