In The Spirit of the O"LIMP"ICS !!!

On Saturday night I watched the Olympic marathon for some inspiration for my scheduled long run in the morning. Before falling into a deep state of sleep I tried to imagine myself as an Olympic athlete. I thought to myself---Jason tomorrow you will make your country proud, no not by going to war against another country. That tradition seems to have grown boring and controversial to most Americans. You will make your country proud by competing against the best athletes the world has to offer and defeating each and every one of them. While you don't posses a chiseled body, the speed and stamina of a cheetah, or have any chance of ever seeing your face on the side of a cereal box you are the only hope America has at a medal. Well self---thanks for showing so much confidence in me. I'm up for the challenge. Now let me get some sleep, I'm sure all the imaginary athletes have been asleep for hours.

Sunday morning finally arrives and I wake up for my event, "The Run As Far As You Can Until You Run Out Of Things To Drink That You Are Carrying On Your Person Athon", the lengthiness of the title is an event within itself. It's 4:00 A.M. and strangely enough the rest of the Olympic village is still fast asleep. I head to the village's cafeteria for my pre-race meal of two granola bars and a glass of water. I then head to the lounge to digest my meal, put on all my gear, and meditate (read: fall back asleep). I wake up ten minutes before my event starts, do some light stretching, and head to the starting line. On my way to the starting line I hear a little voice calling to me. Could it be some last minute encouragement from friends and family? No, it's my five year old son demanding I turn the television to cartoons before I leave on my quest for gold.

I finally arrive at the starting line. Through the darkness I try to look over my competition. A loud bang rings through the air. The race for gold has begun. I take off at a blistering pace (11:00 Minute/Mile) and just like every other run I go on I find myself alone. Maybe I went out to fast for the other competitors, or maybe they are hanging back waiting for me to fade in the final few miles. My competition seems to know me all to well. The miles appear to be flying by. At mile five I see the first few spectators as the sun starts to shed light on the course. It looks like a prostitute that had just got off the clock, her pimp, and a homeless man with only one shoe sleeping on a park bench. I get the feeling that these fans could give a shit less if I win the gold. Or could it be that they are all secretly cheering for the Kenyan to win? At mile eight I get my first shout out, literally, from a surely soon to be sober gentlemen that zipped by in a car and yelled "You The Man". This gives me the the boost I need to keep me ahead of the pack.

Around mile eleven I start to hear foot steps behind me. Could it be that the pack has caught me? No, it's a lone runner (read:old lady pushing 60) she seems to be gaining on me with each stride. I try to speed up but this experienced runner (Old Hag) has brought her "A" game today. I have no choice but to fall behind her and pray that she trips and breaks her hip. Seriously, you old bitch, why are you shitting on my dream of Olympic gold? Good news the Geritol must have have wore off, grandma has stopped running and I have once again taken the lead.

I am now closing in on mile thirteen and realize my hydration sources are all but gone. I vow to reach mile fourteen and claim my gold prize. Besides I've had to pee for the last eight miles. At mile fourteen I cross the finish line and limp my way to the rest room. I refill my water bottles and decide to take a 4 mile victory stroll. Along my victory limp I noticed one of the other events is underway this morning. It's the "The Tandem Heavy Set Beach Run, Jog, Walk, or Crawl in Outfits That Do Not Fit Well Athon". To see these large athletes, and being one myself, working together as a team doing physical activity, that does not involve eating, gave me a real sense of pride. These dynamic duo's in my mind are the real winners this morning and I will be sharing my imaginary gold with each and every one of them. Peace Out.

18.15miles Run 14miles Walk 4.15miles 3019 calories