Open Letter To: My Children!!!

Dear Kids (mainly the two I claim),

That's right Jake and Bryce that would be you!!! Tomorrow is the big day. We will celebrate both of your birthdays this weekend. Why both of you get all the praise, or any other person for that matter on their birthday is still something I may never understand. Your mother did all the work, trust me I was there. But, who am I to change tradition. On your special day I wanted to leave both of you some words.

Jake, my Hot Wheels Wii partner, what can I say: Don't let anyone ever take away your creative ability to take ordinary things in our lives and turn them into your fantasies. Your creativity amazes me. You can literally turn anything you see in our house into a race track for your hot wheels. I also am blown away by how artistic you are. I have never seen anybody that can draw and color like you do.

Bryce, my ballerina: 4 years old and you are already able to speak your mind. You want to be self efficient and in charge, where you get this from I'll never know. Sometimes in order to be heard I think you may stretch the truth a little. But, I understand that's just your way of being creative and also comes with your age. I think I'll just let that issue Lie, know what I'm saying. Despite what you say, your a beautiful girl and I love you very much.

Neither of you are without faults. Just to name a few, sucking thumbs, picking scabs, messing the entire house up in seconds, leaving food rappers and drink cartons on the floor, peeing the bed, pooping a small car out once a week, not eating healthy food, listening to parents, telling on each other, and various other fights and squabbles.

In closing, I wish you both a very happy birthday. I hope someday you both realize how lucky you are to have each other as brother and sister and share this special day. Peace Out!!!

Week Of Gains!!!

I believe the title of this post says it all. First let me start with the positive gains. Friday night I ran a good race and set a PR (23.22) that will be challenging to break in future 5K's. The course at Robinson Preserve was scenic to say the least. The surface itself consisted of asphalt, shell, boardwalks and plain old dirt. My only bitch was the gale force winds that seemed to always be directly in my face no matter which way I seemed to run. It was pretty warm also, but I think these issues were out the control of the race organizers. There was also a dinner that came free of charge for the race participants, including free beer for the 21 and over crowd. I will definitely be running this event next year. Hell, I'll probably win it!!! The winning time was only 16:05. Cutting off 7:15 should be a breeze.

During my 4 mile run on Sunday, I happened upon 3 errant pennies. That's right, during one run I was able to increase my loose change by 2.5 times the original amount. I am proud to report the new total now stands at five cents. We moved from cooper to silver and it's only been 3 weeks. It's only a matter of time before I'll actually be able to afford that trophy wife. Who am I kidding, at this rate it's going to take years for me even to coax a crack whore.

Lastly, speaking of crack whores, Bertha has spoken. Actually winced in pain while I stepped on top of her Monday morning. Thanks be to the all mighty that Bertha is just a scale and not an actual living thing. My extra fatal obesity surely would have killed anything unlucky enough to find its way beneath me on that particular morning. Go ahead and smile pregnant women of the world, (you know who you are), Jason has gained back 4.5 pounds. I have no other way to take this weight gain, but as a learning experience. Instead of lowering the amount of carbs I was eating slowly, I tried pretty much eliminating them all together. While the first week it seemed to work, 6 pound drop, by the second week of that game plan I was left with no energy and miserable. I also only dropped 1 pound the second week. Last week I put the carbs back in and I'm pleased to say I am now a fatter, yet happier Jason. All together in the last 3 weeks I've still lost 3 pounds, which is probably the better way to drop poundage. One week=One pound. Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: Bradentuckian's!!!

Dear Bradentuckian's,

Tomorrow between 6:30 and 7:00 in the P.M. you may hear a sound similar to the launching of the space shuttle. You may also see a flame trail following a very fast moving object. Again, like the friggin space shuttle. Fret not simpletons, what you are actually experiencing is much closer than Cape Canaveral. In fact, it's happening right here in your, (weed infested, car on blocks, trailer trash) back yards. Don't jump to conclusions Bradentuckian's. Air Force One is not landing at the Bradentucky/Sarasnoba International Airport with Barack, Michelle and children in tow. It's wayyyy bigger than that!!! That's right!!! It's ME!!! I'll be gracing the fine town for a 5K tomorrow evening at the beautiful Robinson Preserve.

This will be my second race of 2009. I haven't blogged about it because I signed up last minute and also 3.1 miles is not my favorite of distances. I have only ran one other 5K, and that was last year. I can't even remember the time it took to travel the distance. So, at least I'll set a PR during tomorrows race. I looking forward to see if I have gained any speed in the few weeks following the Sarasota Marathon. I have been mostly concentrating on speed work during my training. If I had to guess on a finish time, I would go with 22 minutes and 30 seconds. In fact, anything faster I would consider awesome. This week I have changed my diet, once again, and feel like I have had more energy during my training runs. I have also noticed that the stomach issues I had in the past are also starting to return. Which makes me wonder if 2009 is the year that I finally shit myself ??? I only bring this up in this open letter Bradentuckian's, because I hear it's quite common and perfectly acceptable in this community. I mean let's face it, Sarasota has been shitting on you for years.

In closing, I hope to see as many of the fine folks of the B-town out at the Preserve tomorrow night for the race. Friday is payday so, gas up those four wheelers and riding lawn mowers and come on down to the race. I hear it's all the Old Milwaukee you can drink after the race. Just kidding!!! It's actually Pabst Blue Ribbon!!! Peace Out!!!

Bertha is a Bitter Whore!!!

I knew when I decided to give the family scale a female name that it would eventually come back to bite my ass. I just didn't realize it would be as soon as the second week of my attempt to lose some of my additional Assage. After a sizzling first week loss of an incredible 6 pounds of flab, this week I managed a whopping whole pound.

The worst part about the weight loss this week is that actually felt zapped of all energy during my training runs. I am actually trying to work on gaining some speed for upcoming races, so I think something is going to have to give. I guess the question is, do I want the body and face of Brad Pitt? Or, can I live with just having his face and say screw the body. Besides having a handsome face and good personality has gotten me this far. Fuck It!!! Fast food here I come!!!

In other news, you can probably see along with my inability to lose weight that I also was a failure in finding any lost monies this week. It wasn't because I wasn't looking. Trust me I have been scanning the roads with laser like concentration. I think, as usual, I'm a little late in the game as far as loose coins go. The way things are right now I think people are clutching their pennies with death grips, knowing that every little bit counts. Peace Out!!!

Hey Brother Can You Spare A Nickel, Or Is It A Dime???

Due to the recent economy woes I have decide to keep track of the money I pick up while on my training runs. I only wish I would have started picking up abandoned coins when I first started running. Of course, when I first started running it took all the energy I had just to keep going. I doubt that I would have been able to exert any energy to bend over and tie my shoes, let alone pick up coinage. When I finally became fit enough to accomplish this feat admittedly I became too vane to slow down for such a thing. You see, that would slow down my training and even worst effect my overall pace per mile. Seriously, how am I going to become an elite runner if I slow down every time I come along a penny on my path? What an egotistical Dick I have become!!!

Well, no longer my friends. I now will stop for loose change that appears along my routes. I no longer will worry about my ever precious pace. I think Benjamin Franklin, or maybe it was Donald Trump that said it best, "A penny earned is a penny that someone had to bend over and pick up off the ground". Unfortunately, a lot of my training runs happen early mornings which makes it hard to find lost money. But, I will continue to look. I started tracking the loose change last Saturday during my long run, and as you can see I'm already up to a mind boggling 2 cents. Just to let you know during that run I passed a dime. I did try to turn around and find the dime, but was unsuccessful. Unfortunate, I know!!! That would have made my weekend run 6 times more successful. Maybe this weekend I'll hit the mother load. Peace Out!!!

Tuesday: 6.05 miles

Thursday: 5 miles

Was It Good For You Bertha???

How did you spend last week? I spent my week trying to convince my stomach that I wasn't starving to death. While not much fun, Bertha was pleasantly surprised when I mounted her earlier this morning. I think she enjoyed the new slimmer and chiseled version of Jason. She also doesn't seem to mind, unlike other women, that it literally takes seconds for me to finish my deed with her. Enough about that!!! How about some results??? At last Monday's weigh in I was an elephant like 231 pounds. This morning I weighed in at a smaller version, shall we say Baby elephant 225 pounds. According to my math *** that is a drop in weight of almost 6 pounds. Astonishing!!!

Speaking of Baby elephants!!! There has some talk that somebody may have read my last entry and mistakenly thought she, or he was the alumnus mentioned. Maybe this person has a guilty conscience? I don't remember naming any names, and quite frankly hardly even remember the person in question from high school. Of course that's probably because I wasn't into illicit drugs, wild parties, and being part of the "Hip Crowd". Make that "Hippie Crowd". I also wasn't lucky enough to own a Trans-Am!!!

Ironically, my wife went to yet another baby shower this weekend for another random High School friend. Sounds like a good time was had by all. Games were played, drinks were dranked and food was ate, or is it aten***??? It must be hard to be pregnant and surrounded by all that delicious food. Hey, you only live once, I say Eat Up!!! You'll have plenty of time to take off those extra pounds. Peace Out!!!

*** Keep in mind, I graduated from Southeast High!!!

Monday: 4 miles 35 minutes 706 calories

3 Reasons To Become Less Fatally Obese!!!

As you can probably see, I have added a sidebar to monitor my weight. I plan on weighing myself each Monday morning after showering. By showering I won't have to worry about the ounces of grime and dirt that have accumulated during the past day and night throwing off my scientific results. Besides, Bertha likes me to be clean before I get on top of her. I know what your thinking, who is this Bertha chick and isn't your wife the only one that actually reads this shit??? You are SOOOO Busted!!! Rest easy peeps, Bertha is the name I decided to name our family scale.

My first weigh in occurred this Monday and the results were an earth crushing 231 pounds. I think you can see that is about 30 pounds more than the goal that I have set for myself. Once again I know what your thinking, but Jason you look "So Hot" right now if you lose 30 more pounds you'll be way too skinny. I say horse pucky. I think it was Keira Knightley, or maybe the real, real, skinny Olsen twin that said it best, " There's no such thing as being too skinny. The rest of you are just way too fat.". O.K. so maybe they didn't say that, but I'm sure that's what they were thinking. I digress... Below are the reasons I have for achieving this goal.

Reason #1:

By losing the approximate weight of an average three year old, I will definitely be able to lower my pace per mile running speed. Besides, there is no better feeling than flying by some hapless wanna-be runner, or even worse a speed walker, at lightening pace. I don't really know if this feels good, but take it from a wanna-be runner, the fast guys sure make it look like fun. Dropping the pounds should also help me in other running related goals that at this point I'm not confident enough to share with a group, let alone put in writing.

Reason #2:

My twenty year reunion is in June of this year, and I intend on going dressed in the same clothes I wore on my graduation day. I only hope it's cold enough to wear my Neon Orange High school jacket to at least one of the functions. I intend on growing my mustache back and getting my hair styled as I wore it way back when. For those of you out of the know, and haven't joined the Face book revolution my hair style of choice was spiked on the top and a mullet in the back. What a real crowd pleaser. Anyways, none of this dream can come true at my present weight. Besides, who will be able to recognize me looking like this. Seriously, I'm sure everybody has either maintained, or lost weight since their Alma Mater days. Although I did recently see one of my classmates stuffing her face at a local restaurant last week. She looked like she swallowed a watermelon. She probably should follow my lead and lay off the egg rolls for a while.

Reason #3:

When the day finally comes and I'm lucky enough to find, and afford, the trophy wife I deserve, I figure it would be a nice gift to her if I was also in peak physical shape. This will also help while trying to chase her around at clubs and parties. Have you ever seen how fast and much energy 21 year old's have? I probably will be getting in a lot of fights with younger dudes to defend my young wife's honor. Lastly, when I find that my wife actually has no honor, or virtue, the loss of weight should make me appear more attractive to my newly ex-wife's best friends.

Peace Out!!!

A Call From Virtual D.O.A.!!!

Like clockwork on Sunday I received a call from Virtual D.O.A. I have to say it was nice to speak with him instead of one of the many young ladies he has pissed off in Gainesville. Lets just say the list of grievances against him grew longer and more incriminating throughout the entire month of February. There were rumours of marriage proposals and accusations of several well known diseases being spread campus wide. Rest assured Virtual D.O.A. has convinced me that these complaints were all simple misunderstandings and lies. It seems the college in Gainesville did not get Virtual D.O.A.'s sarcasm, wit and intellect. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but sadly I'm not. Virtual D.O.A. also requested that I call him by his nickname for now on. It seems he prefers going by plain old V.D. How could I argue???

Ironically, V.D. has found a way to travel to yet another college town this month. He has promised to be on his best behavior. V.D. told me he would like to try to spread his message to as many college campuses as he possibly could, although he could never tell me what that message was. I am sure V.D. will find a way to leave his mark on the student bodies he comes across. Because I see a little bit of Me in V.D. Peace Out!!!