God Called, I Never Answered!

 

Let’s go on another adventure into the future and visit a young JB at 9 years old. The setting is Oneco Elementary 4^th grade classroom. My teacher this year was Mrs. Allran. I would describe her as an older lady, I’m guessing at the time late 60’s. She also was permanently in a wheelchair, so maybe Allroll would have been a better last name. I kid!!!  I would describe myself at this time as a shy chubby kid that for the most part kept to myself and was very polite to my elders, especially those with authority. I’m sure if you asked my mother, she would describe me in another light. My guess is annoying oldest kid “allegedly” whose first language is spewing sarcasm. Once again, only a guess.

 

Any who, Mrs. Allran took a liking to me early on in 4^th grade and dare I say I was her favoritous kid ever. I know that’s not a word, but it should be!!! Just about every week I would be chosen as citizen of the week, much the chagrin of all the other poor 4^th grade fucks in my class. It got to the point that she would tell me and my mother that I was special and was destined for great things. She would even go as far as telling me that God would be calling on me because I was his miracle. At first, I just thought Mrs. Allran was going senile and thought I was Jesus and not Jason. I mean both names have 5 letters starting with a J and have Ss in them. Easy mistake to make right? Regardless, it was a bit uncomfortable being the chosen one and all, but I kind of dug it. Until it finally it was made perfectly clear that my dear teacher’s goal for me was that of a higher calling. That’s right folks, she thought that I was destined to be at least priest, maybe a cardinal, or hell maybe even Pope JB!!! HOLY SHIT!!! This realization brought me off my cloud quickly and back to normal 4^th grader JB really quick. Seriously, I haven’t even seen a live female breast yet. How can I think about being a man of the cloth.

 

Mrs. Allran was not aware of my dark side. At the ripe age of 7 I was already sticking the leftover toothpicks from the samples at Grand Union in loaves of bread. That had to ruin some family’s pasta night. Not exactly how God would dispose of his toothpick. But you know, Thug Life Bitches!!! Also, if Mrs. Allran knew in a few more years I’d be driving my drunk dad around town her, and God would probably frown upon this for sure. You know what, Pops needs to get to work and young JB gonna make it happen God. You know what I sayin???

 

As you can see, a split in the path was given to young JB and he had a choice. Path to the right, maybe someday Popedom and ultimately Heaven. Path to the left, sarcasm, gaslighting, worry, anxiousness, fear and maybe a few boobies. Mrs. Allran for me it was a tough choice, let god know JB Ain’t Home!!!

 

Love you Peeps!!!!

 

Virtual D.O.A. R.I.P!!!

When I first came up with this idea to have a virtual runner I thought it would be a cool way to show how far I'm actually running on a monthly basis. Give it some sort of point of reference, if you will. "Wow!!! D.O.A. is in Kentucky!!! Holy shit that's far!!!" I also had planned on running the Philly marathon and knew that the mileage would work out that my "Virtual Self" would basically be at the same place as my real self at that point in time. How freaky is that??? I had a whole run a marathon with my virtual partner blog planned that would have gotten tons of laughs and possibly a "Bloggy", if there is such a thing as a "Bloggy". Picture an Emmy for bloggers.

Unfortunately, the planned story will never happen. Virtual D.O.A. never called at the beginning of November like he has for the past 10 months. Fearing the worst I called his cell phone, but he never answered. I tried every day this month and finally today someone answered. He said his name was Dr. Hunt and he had been treating D.O.A. for the past few days. Dr. Hunt noticed D.O.A. hanging around the hospital for several weeks and noticed that he was not feeling well. Sadly, D.O.A. was not able to afford health insurance, mainly because he had no job and all he ever did was run from town to town. Being "virtual" also didn't help with his lack of insurance. Anywho... this weekend it turns out that Dr. Hunt got to know D.O.A. and they became friends. Dr. Hunt attempted to treat D.O.A., but the illness was too far along and D.O.A. passed away yesterday.

I started to tell Dr. Hunt about how I planned to run the Philly marathon with D.O.A. and what a great blog report I was going to do about the whole experience when I returned home. Dr. hunt mentioned before D.O.A.'s passing how excited he was about the upcoming race and how he needed to get better. Ironically, Dr. Hunt is from the Philly area and was planning on running the marathon also. It turns out that we both run about the same pace and the good doctor agreed to run with me in honor of Virtual D.O.A. The only thing he asked in return is that I drop the doctor and just call him Mike.

Well let me tell you. Mike Hunt and I will pumping and pounding up in down the streets of Philly come November 22nd. Neither myself, nor Mike Hunt will give up until we give it everything we got and both finish. This Mike Hunt and my promise to our wonderful fake friend Virtual D.O.A. R.I.P!!! Peace Out!!!

While Virtual DOA is Horsin' Around the Real McCoy is all Business!!!

Virtual DOA has made it to Lexington, Kentucky and as you can probably figure out from the title horses are all the rage in this neck of the woods. After all Lexington is known as both the "Thoroughbred City" as well as the "Horse Capital of the World". Need more proof that Lexington is Ga Ga for Horsies??? Take a quick trip to the Visitor's Bureau web site and you can read about a silly blue horse that people have supposedly seen in Lexington. To make a long story short some horse ate the bluegrass that is famous in this area and magically turned blue. Awe inspiring huh!!! Ironically the horse's name is Big Lex, Talk about creative!!! On this web site you can also report "Big Lex sightings" and play a scavenger hunt game. I only hope for the folks of Lexington sake, that the Where's Waldo people never hear about this. I smell a law suit!!!!

Anywho peeps... Numbers for the month of August. Ran 154 miles. Burned 22,668 calories, (unfortunately I think I consumed 100,000 calories) Loose Change is up to .99 cents. My legs are feeling a bit sore from the training and I seem to have some type of small pain developing in the Achilles area. I'm hoping it's just sore muscle and not the beginning of my legs finally failing from the fatally obese body it's been carrying around for the past two years. Regardless, come November I plan on making Philly my BITCH!!! Peace Out!!!

AS IF ANYONE CARES!!!

Virtual D.O.A. is now in Knoxville, Tennessee. Of the many facts I found about Knoxville, and interested me the most was that it was once known as the "Underwear Capital of the World", which in my opinion had to be quite the honor. Oh yeah there's also a big University there, but I can't remember the name of it. I Know it University of Something though. The mascot of the University is a Volunteer which is ironic because it's rumoured that to this day there has never been a fire in all of Knoxville since 1779. The University also has a very popular women's basketball team and coach. They say that guy is really something!!!

If you are reading this, and I know that your not, thanks for your time and good day!!! Peace Out!!!

Virtual (D.O.A.), Checks In "Choo!!!! Choo!!!

Another month has swiftly passed by and Virtual D.O.A. has continued on his imaginary journey north. He has left the city of Coke a Cola, better known as Atlanta, and has traveled to the land made famous by a song about a fricken Choo Choo. For all of you out of the know, that would be Chattanooga, Tn.

I know very little about Chattanooga, besides the train thing. It's the fourth largest city in Tennessee, and also I think there's a saying in Tennessee, or maybe it's Texas!!! If you would like some actual information on Chattanooga, I suggest you google it. Seriously, what do I look like the Visitor and Information Center of the great City of Chattanooga???

In closing, June was another wonderful running month. I managed to run 110 miles, find some loose change, survive near death experiences from both heat exhaustion and errant flying insects, and most importantly made it another month without a shitting incident. Let's see what kind of fireworks July has in store!!! Peace Out!!!

Open Letter To: The unidentified flying insect that flew in my ear!!!

Dear unidentified flying insect that flew in my ear,

The question I have for you my flying friend is Why??? Out of all the places to fly you had to be flying along the same sidewalk that I was using during my run this morning. Seriously, how about flying a little higher? Is there a insect law that all flying bugs must adhere to a strict 6' or lower flying height? Well how did that work for you? If I remember right not to well, you have since passed on to the bug after life, either still lodged in my ear, or somewhere along my running route.

I will give you credit though. In your last few moments on this earth, technically 6' above it, you really gave me a scare. My first thoughts as you took your suicidal flight into my inner ear, was that this was no accident. It was a planned attack to end my life. I feared that your mission was to reach my brain and destroy it, much like Luke Sky Walker did to the Death Star in Star Wars. You had me so worked up that I actually stopped and attempted to dig you out with a small stick. It was touch and go for a few moments as I felt you struggle to finish me off and claim yet another hapless runners life. But, is was not to be for you my flying nemesis.

I felt the build up of sweat in my ear start to rumble due to the blockage you created. In a last ditch effort to thwart your assassination attempt, I pried on you with the small stick I found. The liquid immediately started to drain. Looks like this runner is going to live to run again.

In closing, to all the rest of the flying insect world I say, Bring it on Bitches!!! I'm ready for whatever you bring my way. I'll just have to remember to be careful not to yawn while running outdoors. Peace Out!!!

Back to Blog Land Bitches!!!

Fear not people, I have returned to blog land. I know the millions of readers of this blog have missed my creative writing style. A lot has happened since my last post. I am going to update in lazy bullet point fashion. Mind you I don't know how to make a bullet point, so I guess it will just be a list of things that happened over the last few weeks sans bullet points. Let's begin!!!

I was rejected by all of New York, (well,at least the marathon people)

I attended my 20 year high school reunion.

At said reunion, I found out one of my best friend's has a disturbing growth disorder. It seems he has grown a third leg!!!

There were several celebrities among my graduating class, which I also was unaware of: including Sponge Bob Square Pants and Mrs. Doubtfire!!!

My fellow classmates still hold many records at our Alma mater. Don't worry!!! You don't need to ask them they'll let you know, if not their mother's will!!!

Hot Tubs are Fun!!!

Sleeping in a parking lot is probably not as comfortable as you think!!!

Some people never change, and for that I'm forever thankful!!!

After the New York rejection I signed up for the Philly Marathon.

It is officially summer!!!

I continue to run and am proud to say my pants have remained poop free to this point, thanks partly to the Port-O-Let on New College's campus. I couldn't have kept my running shorts clean without you!!!

Somehow I've been able to maintain my current weight and it's certainly not because of my great food choices.

I have added $.27 cents to my loose change tracker!!! Question is... Will I make it to $1.00 by the end of the year???

As you can see it's been a Rememborable few weeks. Speak to you soon!!! Peace Out!!!